Episode 52: How Do You Know When to Say No?

Welcome, everyone, to the Everyday Leader podcast. Shannon and Conrad here to start a conversation around the word no—when to say no and how to say no. We are bringing this topic forward because people in our world, including clients and teams, are asking that question.

And to put it in the context of where we are in the year, we are in the last quarter. October tends to be a month when things take off. There is a lot of momentum, movement, action, and activity. This is usually when I notice people begin to overcommit. Then we really feel it at the end of November and into December, when people are also trying to be with family and take time off. Some of the crunchiness we experience at the end of the year begins right now, in the decisions we are making.

Absolutely. Even as you offer that context, I find myself going inward and asking: where am I not saying no, or where am I overcommitted? That internal place is one way to begin. What is it like inside me to say no or yes?

Is there a signal or some kind of alarm? For some reason, it feels as though there has to be an alarm—a little bird that alerts you when you are moving from properly committed to supersaturated.

The little bird or alarm can be a body sensation. It can be an urge or a nudge. Those are places to look and ask whether this choice is in alignment with the commitments you want in your life. That begins to help us answer two different questions: when to say no and how to say no.

One useful way to think about this is to begin by assuming we are already overcommitted. Let us just assume that you are overcommitted and I am overcommitted, because that is a common tendency in our productivity culture. Now what?

First, acknowledge it. When I do that, I begin looking for where I can say no. That can quickly become connected to how we want to be seen: I am committed, I am always a yes person, or I never say no because that is not who I am. We enter the territory of beliefs, identity, and how we show up as leaders. I can hear old voices saying, “You cannot say no to that. You have to drive forward, work harder, and get in there.” Once I acknowledge the overcommitment, all that resistance begins to show up.

You might believe you are not allowed to say no, or that saying no makes you a certain kind of person. You might wonder what people will think or what opportunity you will miss.

So we can acknowledge that we are overcommitted, notice the internal patterns and belief systems telling us we must say yes to everything, and then become curious. What would it be like to say no? What is this no really about? It is probably not because you are selfish, believe your time is worth more than someone else’s, or simply do not want to do the thing. It may be because another priority, mission, or journey needs your attention and focus. That is the place from which I can say, “No, I am not going to that event today, because it is important to me to work on this mission or cause.”

Notice and acknowledge that you are overcommitted, then recenter on what you are in service of, what is a priority, and what is important to you. That gives your no meaning. Something I have been considering is this: my plate is full, but my calendar is not. There are many things I am working on and prioritizing, but I may have a whole day without a phone call or meeting. That can become a slippery slope. An opening on my calendar does not necessarily mean I am available, because my plate is full.

That leads us toward how to say no. Acknowledging that your plate is full helps you recognize when to say it. An opening on your calendar is not automatically up for grabs. Some people will hear this and think, “My plate is full, my calendar is full, and everything is full.” We want to acknowledge that, too. Calendars are intended to support us as a structure. One of my clients blocks out several hours and calls it flex time or margin time. They do not decide what to do with that time until they arrive there. How is your calendar supporting you, or not supporting you?

I tend to look at my calendar to decide whether I have availability, instead of looking at my plate. I should be looking at my plate. The plate includes everything on my radar that I am responsible for taking care of or have chosen to commit to.

I would add an internal layer. My body or my being may know that my plate is full because I can feel it. We have several places to look: the calendar, our responsibilities, and our internal sensations, thoughts, and beliefs. All three can provide information that helps us consciously choose no for the sake of something else.

There are many ways to say no, and having a few scripts can help. Sometimes it can simply be, “No, I am not going to do that.” Teenagers are very good at this, so if you want inspiration, ask a teenager to do something! It might also be “No, not now,” “Let us touch base in a few months,” or a counteroffer: “I cannot attend that meeting, but I can do something else instead.”

You can offer a deferral. You can also connect the no to a purpose, value, cause, or something you believe in: no, and here is why. Practice that internally, and in the next conversation we will explore how to do it externally with others. Everything is an offer, and the response does not always have to be yes. It can be no with an alternative approach in leadership or life.

Another important piece is compassion. This is a compassionate no, not a punitive or critical no. It is a no offered with compassion because something else is more important or something else wants to emerge.

When we are working internally with whether something is a yes or a no, it is also okay to feel grief around saying no. Sometimes you feel relief: something has opened and you feel great about it. Other times it is genuinely a disappointment that you cannot commit. You can know that the no creates space for something else and still feel grief. Sometimes we avoid saying no because we are avoiding the grief that comes with it.

We want listeners to leave this episode more in touch with what this decision feels like in their bodies and with the conversations they have with themselves about how they spend their time, what they say no to, and what they say yes to. We welcome your feedback and appreciate the lessons you share with us.

Part two is right around the corner, where we will talk about saying no in relationship with others. Stay tuned.